How do you overcome hurt in a marriage, and keep it from becoming a toxic resentment from your spouse?

We got married a little early, ok maybe alot early. We engaged after 3 months, and married in 10 months. She was fresh out of a divorce, like 1 month. I was cocky and confident, and her Ex husband seemed to have moved on with his new bride to be. He married later about 5 months before we did, but then only 1 month after we had been married, he sends his new wife packing, and desperately attempts to get my new bride back! Flowers, gifts, CD's, movies, phone calls, and then phone cards to not track his phone calls to her. I know it's her responsibility, and all she has ever given me was excuses. Well later this relationship her and her Ex had formed had all but dissolved into an ugly pile just liek the marriage. Her and I were back on track, and then I discover her and a friend relaying a secret emotional affair through Myspace over and ex boyfriend she was seeing at the end of her marriage with her ex husband. She has 2 children with one dad who is an @ss bag, and 1 from another @ssbag.

How do you overcome hurt in a marriage, and keep it from becoming a toxic resentment from your spouse?
It's extremely hard to rebuild trust once it is broken. She would have to be an open book, her MySpace password, email passwords, cell phone, EVERYTHING an open book until you felt you could trust her again and that takes a LONG time. Personally, because of how many times she's played these games on you, I would have a hard time EVER trusting her again. I'd probably, ultimately have to leave. If you decide to stay, you have to leave it all behind you. You will NEVER forget it, but there's a good reason for that. It's the same reason our brains never let us forget a stove eye is hot the FIRST time we touch it and find out it's not a good idea. Anyway, "He that has nothing to hide, hides nothing", so if she really loves you and wants it to work out, why would she need to hide everything? Saying you caused her "emotional affair" by tracking her is called "avoiding responsibility", and until she admits, realizes and accepts responsibility for her own actions, she is doomed to repeat the same mistakes. I think you're very Nobel for considering staying in this. Now you have to let it go, and letting it go means you cannot keep bringing it up. I would make her attend counseling with me, though, if it were me, because something tells me, this is not over yet. She needs to mature to a place that she turns inwards towards her partner during hard times, and not to other people. A good indicator of future behavior is repetitive past behavior. Keep that in mind.
Reply:I have forgiven my husband for his affair, but I will never, ever forget what he did to me, and the pain I went through. I chose to stay, and we went to marriage counseling which helped immensely, but it takes time to get over it. My husband works with the woman he had the affair with, and I have to drive by the place on my way to work every morning. I would get a knot in my stomach everytime I passed it. Even the mention of the name of the town where she lives would upset me. Any time I heard someone say her name--not talking about her, but anyone with the same name--I would get upset.





I has taken about 8 months, and I fully trust my husband. I am still getting over all of the above, but it gets a little less and less every day.





You said you were working it out, but didn't say if you were seeing a counselor. If not, I highly recommend it. I don't think I would have gotten over this as quickly if we hadn't. If you're wife won't go, then go by yourself. A professional can help you way better than us lay-people on yahoo answers.
Reply:WWW.MARRIAGEFITNESS.COM is a good place to start. It is a great site that will be very helpful in helping both of you.





But here is the even bigger question, can you get over it and trust her? If not then no, this will never work. If you will throw it in her face everytime something bad happens, then you can not make this work.





My biggest suggestion is counseling. Not just marriage counseling either. Both of you need individual counseling to help you get over what has happened to both of you, if you choose to try and make the marriage work. Seperate and together you both need to deal with the issues.





Most likely she was feeling "torn" in the beginning as she was fresh out of divorce. Divorce is like death, you need to grieve it. She was not given ample time to grieve. To get thru the hurt. Instead she found you, and temporarily you put a band aid on it, and then the band aid quit working. Support her in dealing with the issues the best you can, and get help too.





Don't throw in the towel, if you still love her, you can get past this with help!
Reply:there is always counseling .. but to get total trust back sit down and talk openly with her ..tell her exactly how you feel .. tell her if she wants you to trust her shes going to have to do her part ... she should want to give you her passwords to her email or any accounts she has online ..or close them and open up one with you ... nothing should be hiden from either of you ... you should be able to answer each others cell phone etc... good luck .
Reply:Seek steady marital counselling immediately. Commit to at least a year of it if you want to see lasting, important changes.





Tell her it is a condition of staying together. If she refuses, you have her answer about her commitment to you.





I am grieved to hear she has three children and you will be forever linked with these men because of it. What's worse is her irresponsibility toward protecting her current relationship with you, because she is teaching her children that commitment means nothing and Mommie's happiness depends on her feelings of the moment.





You sound like a pretty good guy who was a little naive when it comes to relationships and timing. Even though I think you may feel like you got in over your head with this marriage, some intense counselling can salvage and improve things for all concerned.





Very best of luck to you and your family. It looks like YOU are going to have to stand up and be the hero here.
Reply:1) You should have whipped her ex-husbands a ss the second he start contacting YOUR wife. Your failure to do so made you look weak in front of her and is the reason why she isn't showing you proper respect.





2) Buying stuff is NEVER the answer to gain a woman's respect, in fact, it does just the opposite as they begin to see you as a weak fool to be taken advantage of





3) After all of this, the second you caught her online mesisng around with other men, you should have thrown her out of the house! Again, you are being weak and she is taking advantage of it





I suggest you get some software to record what she is/was doing online and get a divorce lawyer before the women bleeds you completely dry!
Reply:Ok, I've seen this kinda situation happen with a few friends before. Someones marriage breaks up, they meet someone new and fall in love etc...and then here comes the ex...to make trouble!!! I think your wife is scared and hasn't fully let go of the past and her ex is taking advantage of this. It wouldn't work out for them now, but he knows how to push her buttons since they were married before. If this is going to work out with between the two of you, she will need to have better boundaries in general with other men. As for the emotional affair, better boundaries would help, but I think she needed someone to talk to and got too close to the Myspace guy.


As for yourself, you've been very hurt by all of this and are having trouble trusting and getting past what's happened. I think what your feeling in the way of resentment is very normal. You've been through a lot. I hope you can get over what's happened and your wife can stay on the right track with you because your the one who really loves her. If and when your ready, tell her that your the one who really loves her, the other guys are in the past and your her future. Good luck.



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